[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.