I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.