Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing