Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I don’t know what to do
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!