How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
You Might Also Like
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: