Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Proctology is located in A55
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one