why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones đ
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and itâs all bloody
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Five Guys: thatâll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
You learn something every day
#PleaseGoToChurch đđ
What adults say: Iâm just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
the things my dad sends my mom đđ
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
never time travel on an empty stomach. Iâm painfully learning that âfood safetyâ wasnât always a thing
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If youâre a software developer, are you code-dependentâŚ
KidsâŚyou can be happy about it being the last day of school, but youâll never be as happy as the teachers.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Murder hornets donât sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
When I write âI hope this email finds you wellâ Iâm referring to the emailâs skills in tracking you down.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book