Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.