It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Who did it better?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years