Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet