Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
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This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]