My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
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Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good