Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Chicken bread
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.