I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions