Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
That de-escalated quickly
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf