Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Merry Christmas
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.