Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My background check bounced.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
that lip filler tho
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW