Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
You Might Also Like
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Why soy sad?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars