There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
They’re on their honeymoon