Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
You Might Also Like
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.