If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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Buck naked
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
choose your fighter
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?