In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
You Might Also Like
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Breaking news:
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.