An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
📽️movie date🎞️
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids