Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
this has to be peak English
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting