My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
early stone age tool
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.