*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You Might Also Like
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Fluff me with a fork baby
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist