My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Spider-cat: No One Home
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.