Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
🤣🤣🤣🤣
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.