Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Never let them know your next move 😂
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.