“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.