Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.