when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault