[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
That’s amazing.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”