This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.