Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Blew out my flip flop…
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one