Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.