Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Admin smashed it 😂
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.