The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Is….Is this an option?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.