I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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Social Media and Real life
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.