Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
who did the taste test?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him