A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You Might Also Like
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…