My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
You Might Also Like
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My favorite farside!!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room