If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.