I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me