How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all