My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea