I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny