Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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What base is it when he says βI know you need it badlyβ but heβs talking about sleep.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: βWould you like to go on a date?β
Her: βYesβ
Me: βYeah, itβs cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.β
βWait, what?!β
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldnβt get them off before leaving the store.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&Mβsβ¦everything!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
They call it βchildbirthβ lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I donβt understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[at the movies]
me: thank god itβs over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha thatβs a relief. I get the dog
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because thereβs the ice cream, but also the social