Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating