How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.